Starting over. Daily.

I recently found a message in my inbox from someone I knew last year at Tel Aviv University, a friend of a friend who has since left Israel. She was asking to 'play matchmaker' and put me in touch with a friend of hers who is moving to Israel, hoping I might be able to give this young woman advice, maybe give her a lead or two for babysitting work, and in general just be a point of contact for someone who will soon be wearing the shoes I donned back in 2011. I remember being that girl, moving to a foreign country, with only a few loose contacts (and one or two strong ones) and the hope that I could build a life somewhere else. I also remember feeling totally grateful anytime someone could advise me on what bus to take, or how to ask for the coffee I like in Hebrew, or what the Israeli equivalent of sour cream was in a sea of mystery dairy products at the grocery store. I still am that girl, more frequently than I would like.

It feels strange to be the person that someone might look to to answer those questions now- simultaneously like I've accomplished something in my time here, and like I haven't accomplished quite enough. Two years ago I was living a very comfortable life. There were things I wanted to change (obviously, I moved across the globe) but I could do my own banking, talk to the cable company (what I wouldn't give to be able to sit on hold waiting for an inept Comcast customer service rep who speaks English), and navigate public transportation with ease. Those are the little things that are so hard for me here, that make every day just a little bit (a LOT) harder here than I ever could have prepared myself for. And now I find myself advising people who have just arrived in Israel on the few things I have figured out, and feeling like a total fraud/a little proud of myself for what I have managed to pick up along the way. 

I won't lie to you, there have been moments (and maybe there always will be) where I consider just throwing up my hands and moving back to the US. Usually I feel the most like that when Itzik and I argue, or I have to do any type of banking (you really have NO idea how good you have it in the States), or I think about the average salary prospects for someone with an MA (half the average of the US). It can be easy to become discouraged. But something I was taught at an early age is that love is a choice- one that you have to renew within yourself every day. I love Israel. And every day I have to renew the choice to give this everything I have.

I knew this would be hard. But I'm doing it. I don't always feel successful, but I haven't given up. I love (hate) the challenges, and the little victories (like learning a new word and using it appropriately). I'm doing something I dreamed of doing, and I'm trying to do it the best that I can. I need to seriously work on my Hebrew (which will relieve a lot of frustration), and I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I need to continue to work on the friendships I have here and build a fulfilling social life (your boyfriend cannot be your whole world...at least not MINE). But I'm working on it. And I'm working on it in a place that is steps from the Mediterranean Sea, in land of the Bible, and in an age that I can talk to my parents and friends back home as much as I please (time difference be damned!). 

So, it could be worse. And it will get better. One day at a time.

My heart is in Boston.

On Monday evening Itzik and I went out for dinner with friends to a lovely Italian restaurant to celebrate  Israel’s Independence Day. Libbie and her husband Tzahi joined us and we all made merry. That is, until Libbie and I received news alerts on our phone about the Boston Bombing. Libbie and I met (and fell in love) in Boston, and we both immediately began scouring the interwebs for information about what happened, and for word from our friends and families there. I had been following updates all day from friends of mine who were in Boston to run the marathon, and when I heard about two bombs detonating near the finish line I felt my heart drop into my stomach. The rest of my evening was spent making calls and checking Facebook in an effort to account for anyone who may have been downtown that day (thankfully, most of my friends in Boston usually avoid the shitshow that is downtown Boston on Marathon Monday) and I was grateful to learn quickly that my loved ones were safe.

It is hard to put into words the feelings I experienced after learning about this. Confused. Sad. Scared. Homesick. Sick. Worried. When I lived in Boston and followed Israeli news (esp after Libbie moved to Tel Aviv) it was always upsetting to learn about terrorism happening here. But it was never altogether surprising. It is, after all, the Middle East. These things have a context here. That context never mitigates the horror and sadness of terrorism, but there’s a frame of reference and usually there’s never any doubt about the motive. 

When it comes to Monday’s events in Boston, however, there is no context. And for me to be living here, in Israel- where a certain level of violence is expected on occasion- and to watch bombs exploding in Boston? It was surreal. Videos of the explosions were online before we even paid the bill, and I watched in horror on my phone as buildings I used to walk by daily were torn apart. The Boston setting was familiar, and the scene of terror was familiar- but I could not wrap my head around the two together….and it made me homesick in a way I haven’t experienced until now. Knowing how 'commonplace' things like this are for my Israeli friends deepens my respect for the Israeli experience. It also makes me hope that those in Boston effected by this tragedy can rebound from their pain, and stand strong against whomever is to blame.

When Israel and Hamas went to war a few months ago, I had an experience of war and terrorism that was new for me. And the biggest lesson I learned from Israelis was this: if the fear prevents you from living your life, the terrorists have won. You must press on, you must garner strength from the knowledge that life will always conquer death, good will prevail over evil.

So, to my friends and loved ones in Boston- my heart is with you. I am overjoyed and utterly relieved that you are all ok, and I wish so much that I could be there with you right now. My heart breaks for our city, and for those who were affected by this tragedy. I pray that whomever is to blame will not be allowed a victory of fear. May justice be swift, and recovery short.

UPDATE: my friend Jen lives in Boston and wrote an account of her experience here. Jen and I worked together at the David Project, and she moved to Israel a year before me. She's an American-Israeli who has studied counter-terrorism, and the article is excellent. Check it out.

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A quick (but nonetheless important) aside:

Four years ago, I drove a new little family home from Mass General Hospital, and was introduced to a little girl who would change my world forever- Liron Etta. I watched my good friends Sasha and Ellen become exemplary parents overnight, and I hope that one day my family will be half as happy as theirs. I had the privelage of becoming a part of their family, and the memories we made together are precious to me.

You guys are my family, and today I wish more than ever that I could be with you to celebrate. I miss you every day, and I can’t wait to be back this summer to make more memories together. Keep a place for me at the table, and in your hearts.

Happy birthday, Liron!! I love you so much.

Do I hate it here?

Recently I did something very cool. It was something which I initially assumed would give me a great "I did that once when..." story for my grandbabies one day, or at the least provide a great opportunity to Instagram the shi*t out of something. Instead what I got was one of those days where you question your life-choices and teeter on the edge- quietly pretending to follow along to people talking in a foreign language while silently chanting in the back of your mind "what the hell am I doing here?" Oh, and my phone died quickly so thanks, Samsung, for ruining my ability to connect to social media when I needed it most.

Let's lay the foundation. I agreed to spend a morning at a photo shoot for a marketing campaign being launched by an Israeli bank. A one-time gig through a friend of a friend that would pay for transportation and food, and pay me a few hundred shekel. Not bad, I thought. Spend a morning in Tel Aviv meeting some new people. Practice Hebrew. Do something out of the ordinary. Cool. I even got to meet an Israeli celebrity. Jealous?

Don't be.

A) Celebrities aren't nearly as exciting when you've no idea why they are famous.

Apparently this guy is the host of the Israeli "Big Brother" iteration. That's actually a really big deal to a lot of Israelis. I, however, had no clue why this girl asked me to take their pic together until I showed Itzik.

B) I had to wake up at 4:30am to be there on time (and went to bed at 2am, but that's my fault really). Point is, the luster of cameras and 'celebrities' wears off when it's only 10am and you've been up for SIX hours.

C) They took us outside of Tel Aviv. At 1pm I was eating at a craft services table behind a mall in a town called Yochneam (what?) and (little did I know) I still had SIX hours before I would get paid and sent home.

D) I only got 200 shekel (aka $50) for 13 hours of time basically spent sitting alone.

Basically, it was kind of a shitty day. The silver lining is that I made a potential new friend. Win. But, I hate feeling like I've wasted time. I'm having a hard time these days spending long stretches of time all in Hebrew. I was exhausted. And meeting new Israelis always follows the same pattern (with slight and seldom variation):

"Where are you from?"
"Do you have a lighter?"
"How long have you been here?"
"Why did you come here?"
"What are you doing now?"
"What do your parents think?"
"Isn't your family back in the US? Don't you miss them?"
"Why Israel? It's so hard."

Imagine being asked ten times a day (after over a year of being asked almost EVERY day) if you miss your friends and family back home. It means thinking about how much you miss home that many times. Or, as I've learned to try to do, it means actively trying not to think about it, lest you burst out crying. By the end of this day, I had wanted to cry at least ten times. By the time I got home from work. Then, I was so tired that Itzik and I ended up having an argument (cause he was so tired too...in fact I'm sure his day was worse than mine). It was just that perfectly terrible alignment of all things that happens now and then. The kind of day that leaves me sitting at my computer when I should be sleeping, cause if I don't write it out, how else will I get rid of it?

So do I hate it here? I did on this day. But this happens from time to time. I fight with my boyfriend. Or miss a bus I needed. Or get stuck with a cab driver that over charges me while telling me I've waited too long to have babies. I see an ad for a movie I should be seeing with Steph and Kim over Thanksgiving.

But I came to Israel for a reason, and tomorrow I'll find a new one, I'm sure of it. I always do. I'll use a new word in Hebrew (today I learned a few), and I'll remember the new shower curtain Itzik bought (thanks, baby!), or I'll come across something awesome on the streets of Tel Aviv like this:

A tiny man? or a giant shekel? I'll give you three guesses.

or this:

An archaelogical dig I stumbled upon on my walk home from yoga earlier this week. That's so cool.

and slowly I'll remember some things that I love about being here. I'll remember what it feels like to be the person who followed her dream and started over somewhere completely new. The person I'm proud of. 

But in order to be that girl I need to sleep. So for now, layla tov.

The beginning of the end...or end of the beginning???

Ugh! I have so much to tell you!

So, this week has been a short break for me from school, to be exact we had ten days between the end of our second semester and the beginning of the third and final semester. I can taste that MA, I'm so close. This change in seasons as begged the questions- what will I do after school? How will I make money to support myself? Where will I live?

Not small quandaries.

 Well, this may not be a surprise to some of you, but I've decided to stay in Israel for awhile longer. When I began planning for studying abroad I applied to a two-year program, and planned on being here for at least that long. When plans changed and I ended up in a one-year MA track (financially, this was better news anyway) I decided to just do the year and see where I came out on the other end. Well, where I've come out is as follows: 

1. My Hebrew is not anywhere near where I want it to be.


2. I have not traveled outside of Tel Aviv as much as I wanted to.

3. I'm in love with someone who lives in Israel.

4. I have friends here who are (or have become) like family to me, and I want more time with them.

5. There's no winter here!

There are, of course, a thousand reasons for wanting to stay here, and wanting to go home. I've realized that no matter where I live, my heart from here on out will be split between two very different and very distant worlds. This reality was sealed the first day I got here- I am in love with Israel. The food, the climate (even though I complain about the summer heat), the weird recycling cages, the people, the politics (this one is more of a love/hate situation), the parties, the graffiti, the tension. Life is intense here, and often difficult. There have been some really scary moments this year, but somehow the lows and the highs are amplified. Everything tastes a little sweeter.

In any case, I'm not so sure I have really been living in the 'real world' here- I've been a student, and not working. So I want to spend time being an adult here. It's going to get harder, I think, before it gets easier. But its time to try making my way, supporting myself, and continuing to build the life I've begun. I have started babysitting for a few families, trying to earn as much cash as possible before school ends and I can start working full-time. 

Last week threw me a curve ball, however- I discovered I have to use my return flight (I purchased a round trip ticket when I moved in September) in August. So....to all my friends and family back home:

I'm coming back August 12th!

I'm planning to spend a few weeks in Boston trying to babysit as much as possible for some quick cash, catch up with loved ones, and spend as much time as possible at my old yoga studio that I miss so much. I'll get to visit my family and friends in Erie, and then I'll be coming back to Israel. I can't wait to see everyone! To buy sunscreen in BULK! To not sweat just from walking to the bus! It's gonna be a good month.

Things are changing. Some things are ending. Others are only beginning. All of it is emotional, and tricky. But, what Israel has really taught me is that once I know what I need to truly make me happy, I have to fight to keep it safe.

And that's just what I intend to do.

....when you're having fun.

Time really has flown by the last couple of months...I've been so busy living life that I've neglected writing about it for a little while.
I feel like an apology is in order, although it seems a little self-involved to assume that anyone has been really bothered by my recent blogging hiatus. However, I know there are a handful of you out there who have noticed (and not just the ten Norwegians who the stats tool in blogger tells me have been reading this month),
so- Mom, Dad, Ellen and Holly...you have my apologies.

That being said...what's happening in Tel Aviv? A lot. So much, in fact, that I'm not quite sure where to begin. I also haven't been using my camera quite as much lately (the zoom is broken) and I've felt bad assaulting you guys with prose void of any photographic/aesthetic component. I'll try to keep this post as succinct as possible.

April and May have been beautiful. It's already summer in my book (the weather lately has been about as hot as it ever really gets in PA or Boston) and it's only going to get worse. I'm actually a little anxious about summer in the Middle East- soon it will be almost impossible to be outside for very long during the day unless you're at the beach, nay... in the water.

The thing is, I'd rather suffer intense summer than this type of winter...

Can you blame me?

I spent a lot of time in at the end of April and beginning of May on schoolwork- I had two really big papers for school due, so a lot of my time was spent in seclusion writing (academic writing, less fun than blogging...for sure.) Being a student isn't my favorite thing, I'll be honest, I haven't been thrilled with my program, but I appreciate the opportunity to learn and meet new and interesting people...essentially, I am so happy to be in Israel that I am willing to put up with the frustrations of school.

When I'm not trying to keep up with my studies, I'm just trying to figure out what will happen when school is over, and to enjoy myself (I do live in paradise, after all). I've discovered recently Sunday mornings on the beach. The weather has been so beautiful that the beaches are now packed all weekend long. Its really quite amazing to see, but I'm also naturally averse to crowds. I've mentioned before that Sunday is the Israeli Monday, but I don't have classes on Sundays this semester, so I have the incredible opportunity to spend my Sunday mornings on almost empty Mediterranean beaches.

.
You'll hear no complaints from me.

I've also been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend (it still feels strange saying that, when does that go away?), Itzik. I am still trying to figure out how much I want to share about it here on the interwebs- its no secret or anything, but this week I had views from Brazil, Norway, Germany, Ireland, Russia, Costa Rica, and Hong Kong...so, you know. Its hard to know where to draw the line. I will tell you that I was beginning to think if I got any better at being single there wouldn't be any room for a real partner in my life. At least not at this point. But we don't get to choose where and when these things happen sometimes, do we? To move abraod I had to make a choice that I would live every day here like I was staying forever, so that I wouldn't miss out on what real life here is like. Cause that's the point right? Live your life the best way you can today, cause who knows what will happen tomorrow. And in doing that, I was given the gift of someone who makes it easy for me to be the version of myself I like the most- and who loves me even when I'm at my worst. 

And he makes me laugh. What more could a girl ask for?

One of the best parts is getting to see Israel from an Israeli's perspective. He and his friends are really cool people, I'm seeing new areas of the country (we camp on the beaches north of Tel Aviv sometimes, and I've gotten to visit his hometown a few times), and I'm getting a lot of exposure to Hebrew. Itzik's English is stellar, so we don't have trouble communicating, but I'm working hard on absorbing as much of the language as possible...slowly slowly. It will come.

Nothing is perfect however. It's strange getting into a relationship in a world that is not my own, not having my people around to share it with. I have friends here, even one or two who have known me longer than 9 months, but it's still hard sometimes. After our last camping weekend I was thinking about how much I wished I could just hang out (in English) with someone from home. Itzik's friends are great, but when I'm with a group of people who are communicating only in Hebrew for a whole weekend, eventually I just kind of tune out and retreat to that quiet place in my own thoughts- often those thoughts are of my friends and family back home. So after camping we came home and I was missing my friends and all of a sudden....Ilya was here.

I know, right? What? How? The long and short of it is that he came for a few days unexpectedly to visit an ill family member, and I got to hang out with him for a few hours on his way in and out of the country. Literally, one second I was missing my friends back home, and the next I was sitting at a bar with one. It was fantastic! A little surreal, but still so comforting to be with someone from my world, you know?

Yeah, this happened.
A little DP reunion was just what the doctor ordered! We had dinner with Libbie and got all caught up!

So, that's a little bit of an update, dear readers. Again, my apologies for the recent truancy. I'll make more of an effort to keep you guys updated more efficiently. Thanks for hanging in with me.

This weekend I am nursing a cold and looking forward to Shabbat dinner with Itzik's family. His cousins from the US are in town for a few weeks and tonight I get to hang out with their adorable kids...including a 3 month old little girl named Libby! I met her older brother, Gur (which means "puppy"), earlier this week. He's five, and we are pretty into each other. I mean, both of us have sisters named Libby- that's a bond that can't be broken. I can't wait to hold the baby, squeeze her chunky little thighs and eat her face (can you tell I miss nannying a little bit??). I'll try and get some photos to share, if I can put the baby down long enough to pick up a camera.

...and the world spins madly on.

(a foggy day in the Golan Heights, I'll post about that study trip eventually...)

There have been some emotional side effects of moving abroad which, while I didn't see coming weren't wholly surprising either. The best way I can describe it is learning to live with emotional dichotomy. I have felt keenly the effects of two opposite feelings:

1. the life I left behind is moving 

on without me far too rapidly. 

Sasha and Ellen, who I miss with a special part of my heart reserved for family, sent me a video of their daughter Liron reading a Dr. Seuss book last week. When I left Boston she was just beginning to say things! She is so dear to me, and in baby-time a year is a big deal. Kissing her little face when I get home is at the top of my priority list.

The people I love and do my best to keep up with are having babies, or have babies who are growing up, and I'm missing it. In the coming months I'll be missing a couple of  friends' weddings and other important life-events which I would normally move mountains to be a part of, but to my hearts chagrin I can't part seas also. I feel anxious to be a part of my life back home again.

Not to wax sentimental, the crux of this strange dichotomy I'm learning to live with is this, almost anathema reality:

2. The longer I'm here, 

the less I want to leave. 

I'm settling into friendships, building relationships with neighbors and locals (Shay the neighbor, Roni the owner at Shenkin 17, the street cats in the neighborhood) who are becoming characters in my life (and enemies...I hate the cats.) Every moment that passes is a moment here I can't get back, and I don't want to look back and feel that I wasted even one. And with each passing day it becomes harder to imagine going home after only a year here.

So, this is the new baseline of emotion I'm learning to function with 

as someone with my heart split between worlds.

I don't know what will happen after this program/year is over. But for now, I'm choosing to wake up every morning and make the most of what I have. Thankfully, the list of what I have (in the way of furniture) is slim, so I'm never really tempted to stay in and have a chill night at home. Whatever I'm doing (homework, chilling with friends, reading, etc) there's literally nowhere to sit and do it at home- it's a nice impetus for getting out and exploring the city (and making friends with couches...).

Classes are over this week, and now I essentially have two months of writing and reading ahead of me- my finals consist solely of papers to write. My goal is to structure time between work, practicing my Hebrew, getting sleep and staying healthy, and making sure I have as much fun in this city as I possibly can fit in the extra space. 

Oh, and saving money so maybe I can get a couch...

somehow, though, that's slipping lower on my list of TO DO's...

All I want for Christmas is you.

It struck me today that Christmas is less than a week away.

I wore shorts yesterday. There's a palm tree outside my window. It doesn't feel like Christmas.

Spending Thanksgiving as an ex-pat brought about some unexpected emotions. I'm going to hazard a guess that Christmas away from home will be a whole different animal. I'm not sure there's any way to really prepare myself for how I'll feel.

Here's a quick list of things I already miss:

1. our tree.

2. snow. 

Only because it makes Christmas feel like Christmas. I don't really miss winter.

3. being with my family.

I love you guys. I seriously miss you. And the food. Mostly you...(but the food....)

This could go on for awhile, 

but I don't want to give you the wrong impression (or make myself too homesick)- 

there is plenty I am looking forward to about Christmas in Israel...one thing in particular tops this list:

1. Beth is visiting!!

maybe we'll go to Bethlehem... hahah. I'm so serious, though.

I have known Beth since we were wee. As one of my oldest friends, her visit to Israel will literally be a piece of home here in my arms. I cannot wait. She arrives on Christmas day, and will be here for over a week. I could not be more excited about showing off my new world (and my budding Hebrew skills) and sharing all of these new things that I love with someone I love who has known me about as long as anyone. 

Who could ask for a more wonderful Christmas gift? 

So, this holiday will be strange for me- homesick, a little sad, and devoid of the traditions that have made Christmas my favorite time of the year. But, as with every experience I've had here so far, I'm certain that experiencing Christmas in Israel will create memories for which I'll always be grateful. 

So, here we go. I can do this. I'll be ok. 

Highs and lows. Shana tova!

Before I begin my (admittedly late) Rosh Hashanah post, I must send my congratulations from afar to one of my oldest and dearest friends, Holly. It seems like just yesterday we were silly schoolgirls playing pranks and goofing off. But today you became a mother, and my heart is bursting. I am sad I cannot be by your side as you begin this next chapter, but my joy for you far outweighs that. Mazal tov, to you and Mike. I can't wait to meet your beautiful little boy.

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Last week I celebrated the Jewish New Year in Jerusalem with my Israeli friends. We learned about the holiday traditions, ate a delicious meal together (thanks Na'ama and Ari!), and then spent time sharing the highs and lows of the past year as well as our hopes for the year ahead.

For me, the highs and lows seem to have come side by side. Change is always difficult for me, and this last year has been rife with change and uncertainty. Living and studying in Israel has been a dream of mine since I first visited this country in 2005, even though I knew it would be scary and difficult to leave my friends and family. After spending some time working and living in Boston after school, this year seemed like the right time to pursue a higher degree (if I wanted a chance at employment other than nannying or admin work, grad school was an imperative). The road that led me to Tel Aviv University was long and winding, and after four years of living on my own I found myself hauling all of my worldly possessions back to my parents' house in Erie for an indefinite period of waiting to find out if I could attend school overseas or if I would have to start from square one- literally. 

Living with your parents again is not any young adult's ideal- I had no income, no car, and was living in a town that hadn't been my permanent residence since I graduated high school. But lo and behold! The Lord blessed me with the opportunity to rebuild relationships with childhood friends, and the gift of spending five whole weeks of quality time with my mom and dad before I would spend a whole year further away from them than I'd ever been. This unexpected time at home was a real high point in my year- and a gift I will always be grateful for. It was during these weeks that I learned my dreams of moving to Israel would come true- WIN! This was definitely another high point in my year...hell, in my life. However, the same news meant I would have to begin saying my goodbyes. Bidding farewell to my friends and especially my family was probably the most difficult thing I have done in a long time. Low, big low. 

Since moving (you may have noticed) I've been on a bit of a roller coaster- I am so happy to be here in Israel, and loving it more every day...but I also am missing home a great deal, and it's definitely been lonely. School won't begin for another few weeks, and until then my social options are limited. While I've enjoyed exploring Tel Aviv, hanging out on the beach, and studying the language... there is only so much that one can do alone before the loneliness and boredom become overwhelming (highs and lows...) Today was a microcosm of this roller coaster- this morning I cried for awhile cause the loneliness caught up with me, and tonight I spent time with Jen, we laughed and talked and I walked home feeling exponentially better about life. 

So, what are my hopes for the year to come? I'm pretty sure that the emotional roller coaster isn't about to slow down. Being a poor student in a foreign country is challenging. However, I am fortunate enough to have friends and parents who, during those emotional valleys, provide support and encourage me to press on. Their pride in me reminds me to be proud of myself.  My hope for this year is that I will drink in every moment of this dream-come-true while I have the chance. I hope I will continue to take the difficult and necessary steps on the road ahead, to become the woman I want to be- someone who faces her fears and learns how to overcome them, a person who refuses to accept a life that is less than what she wants, and who insists on leaving this world a better place than the way she found it. 

So, to my friends and family near and far- may the coming year be for all of us a sweet and happy one, filled with joy and blessings beyond the hopes we may hold for ourselves. Shana tova!!

And what about you, dear reader? What were the highs and lows of your year? What goals will you set for yourself in the year to come? I'd love to hear from you.