February 6, 2012

...and the world spins madly on.

(a foggy day in the Golan Heights, I'll post about that study trip eventually...)

There have been some emotional side effects of moving abroad which, while I didn't see coming weren't wholly surprising either. The best way I can describe it is learning to live with emotional dichotomy. I have felt keenly the effects of two opposite feelings:

1. the life I left behind is moving 
on without me far too rapidly. 

Sasha and Ellen, who I miss with a special part of my heart reserved for family, sent me a video of their daughter Liron reading a Dr. Seuss book last week. When I left Boston she was just beginning to say things! She is so dear to me, and in baby-time a year is a big deal. Kissing her little face when I get home is at the top of my priority list.

The people I love and do my best to keep up with are having babies, or have babies who are growing up, and I'm missing it. In the coming months I'll be missing a couple of  friends' weddings and other important life-events which I would normally move mountains to be a part of, but to my hearts chagrin I can't part seas also. I feel anxious to be a part of my life back home again.

Not to wax sentimental, the crux of this strange dichotomy I'm learning to live with is this, almost anathema reality:

2. The longer I'm here, 
the less I want to leave. 

I'm settling into friendships, building relationships with neighbors and locals (Shay the neighbor, Roni the owner at Shenkin 17, the street cats in the neighborhood) who are becoming characters in my life (and enemies...I hate the cats.) Every moment that passes is a moment here I can't get back, and I don't want to look back and feel that I wasted even one. And with each passing day it becomes harder to imagine going home after only a year here.

So, this is the new baseline of emotion I'm learning to function with 
as someone with my heart split between worlds.

I don't know what will happen after this program/year is over. But for now, I'm choosing to wake up every morning and make the most of what I have. Thankfully, the list of what I have (in the way of furniture) is slim, so I'm never really tempted to stay in and have a chill night at home. Whatever I'm doing (homework, chilling with friends, reading, etc) there's literally nowhere to sit and do it at home- it's a nice impetus for getting out and exploring the city (and making friends with couches...).

Classes are over this week, and now I essentially have two months of writing and reading ahead of me- my finals consist solely of papers to write. My goal is to structure time between work, practicing my Hebrew, getting sleep and staying healthy, and making sure I have as much fun in this city as I possibly can fit in the extra space. 

Oh, and saving money so maybe I can get a couch...
somehow, though, that's slipping lower on my list of TO DO's...

1 comment:

Ellen said...

Ooh I love those cute little munia pictures! Miss u Jenna.